Cindy Update Blog

For those who have been diligent in checking the blog my apologies for not writing sooner. Thanks for checking up on me! I have not written in while because I have been in a very difficult place since the last chemo treatment.

The pain in the muscles and joints have now subsided. My fingertips are still sensitive to the touch making opening cans and ripped opening packages a little difficult. My nails, particularly in my feet, feel like they are slightly lifting off my digits. I seem to tire more quickly - its bedtime for all the Tamming girls by 8:00 including me, if sleep will come. I still have some difficult swallowing and my taste buds have not returned - broccoli and chocolate have the same flavour.
The state in which my mind lingers has not been in a good place.

I have been telling everyone that I have finished chemo and this is a time of celebration. The first of three parts (chemo, surgery, radiation) is now complete. Hurray!!! While those are the words that I utter, in my heart I am most scared about the next step. I have opened my blog account several times planning on entering some tidbit of an update, but I am stopped each time when I see the banner of the pictures at the top. It is then that I am forced to think about how that was before and wonder what the after will be......

The pictures captures what now seem like a lifetime ago or almost a whole other life for me. It was a time when I did not really understand the brevity of life, the pain and sickness that some live with constantly, and the need for the hope that I cling to tightly to live each moment. It represents the last moment that I will ever physically look the same again. The next day I lost my hair, a few weeks later my eyelashes and my eyebrows. In this next month, the surgery will render the change permanently. Although I have joked that once reconstruction is complete (and I am hoping for the flap in which the abdominal muscle is used - a "tummy tuck" bonus) that I could look better than I have or probably ever did, it is going to be a long hard process to get to the finish.

Right now the sun is rising in the horizon and it reminds me of the hope and brightness of the day. I have begun this entry in the dark of the morning and now the light is forcing its way into the world. Now I pray that His light will shine in whatever I will need to endure and that the difficult thoughts will be lifted.