JOY!

I am not sure if there is something in the cold air blowing across the lake or just a part of a life with girls growing up, but just ... sometimes.

Sometimes we all can be just a little NOT so nice. We find a way to needle our sibling with just a comment. We find a way to show our feelings with a glaring sneer or roll of the eyes. We find a way to express our dissatisfaction with a little more attitude in our talk. We find a way to not respond with silence. We find a way to just be ... bad.

It was during one of these moments that I was struck by a song that I had learned as a young girl, when I was about the age of Nicole, our oldest daughter. I am not sure of the title but the first line in the song is "Jesus, Others, and You, what a wonderful way to spell JOY." I had to remind the girls that joy did not mean happiness.It meant something much deeper. It was a contentment and a commitment to place Jesus first in their lives, others second, and themselves last. Spell the letters backwards and it means nothing. While the word is short, this is not a minor task. Sometimes the smallest things, like this word, can be the hardest thing for us to do.

Since we are soon entering the season of Advent, this thought moved me more. There will be a number of Christmas melodies streaming across the airways carrying this little word in its melody. Maybe keeping the spelling of this little word in mind will bring about just a lot more JOY in the season!

A Weekend Away

This was a girls' weekend away in which I got far more than I had expected.

The "Unite in Worship" Conference was held this past weekend. Two full days in the heart of downtown Toronto where a journey begins from the ancient to the modern. It was also an opportunity to see the Dead Sea Scrolls exhibit at the ROM. I must admit that I had looked forward to just getting away. What I did not expect was that I would be so moved and touched by the Spirit in an unforgetable way!

There were five gatherings with each one touching in their own special way. The first was opened with worship lead by Vicky Beeching followed by a little insight into the Dead Sea Scrolls from Dr Craig Evans. I was amazed at how these ancient documents had been "saved and found" after all this time. Saturday night was ended with the songs of praise lead by Paul Baloche and a moving message from Dr. Dorothy Peters. Allison wanted to be up close so to the front row is where we trodded - no closer seating could be found to the awesome worship leader. Dr Dorothy Peters' message pulled at my heart as she opened herself up to claim the writings of one of the psalmist as drawing a clear vision of her experience when her son was killed a few years ago. She talked about the breaking waters of childbirth and the pain that we sometimes succumb to in our life experiences but despite them we are still able to praise and sing to our Father in heaven. I must admit that while I could understand how the psalms truly do put to words the pain and suffering of our life experiences I can remember clearly NOT being able to sing in my darker moments within the past year and half. But I wholehearted agree that the praises could be raised up even in those difficult times. Sunday morning began at 9AM with Brian Doerksen. My heart soared with the songs "Lord, shepherd Me" and "Father, father Me". Brian has eloquently put these words into psalmlike songs. Then Tom Davis challenged us to thinking about the reign of God, that His kingdom is so valuable, and it is here but not in complete fullness. The afternoon gathering was led by Tim and Jon Neufeld of Starfield. It was remarkable how these two young singers led the throng in an acoustical praise of several "older" songs to our faithful God. Glenn Packiam was the speaker for this session and my highlight speaker. Since the conference was a worship conference I was not expecting to hear words that summed up my recent life changing experience. He spoke about how easy it is to fall in the trap of relying on other "God experts" and how we become lazy in our worship. But then come the experiences in our lives which he called "what the heck? moments" - times in which life just stops. At this point we have two options - move away from God or engage yourself with God. For we were "created for contact with Him" If you chose the second option, then the result is that once again we are moved to a first hand knowledge of God contact. Awesome!!! The final time of praise was led by Robin Mark. What I loved most were his two songs that just summed it all up: "All is Well" and "One Day."


All is Well

He lowers us to raise us
So we can sing His praises
Whatever is His way all is well
He makes us rich and poor
That we might trust Him more
Whatever is His way all is well

All my changes come from Him
He who never changes
I'm held firm in the grasp
of the Rock of all the ages
All is well with my soul
He is God in control
I know not all His plans
But I know I'm in His hands.

He clothes us now then strips us
Yet with His Word equips us
Whatever is His way all is well.
And though our seasons change
We still exalt His name
Whatever is His way all is well.

All my changes come from Him
He who never changes
I'm held firm in the grasp
of the Rock of all the ages
All is well with my soul
He is God in control
I know not all His plans
but I know I'm in His hands

Yes, Lord, ALL IS WELL WITH MY SOUL BECAUSE YOU ARE IN CONTROL! While I don't know what Your plans are for me I take great delight in knowing that You hold me in Your grip and have never and will never let me go through it alone. Thank you for this heart contact with You this weekend.


One Day
To You O Lord
will all the earth give glory
No other name will share the glory due
Though kingdoms rise and nations mock Your mercy
One day they'll stand and worship only You.

Every knee will bow down
Every tongue say out loud
You are the Lord of earth and heaven
Every hand will be raised in the thunder of praise
You are the King of all creation they'll say
One day... One day

Today we join with angels and archangels
Who never cease by day or night to sing
Yet we await the moment earth joins heaven
Around Your throne to raise an offering

Every knee will bow down
Every tongue say out loud
For Yours is the kingdom
The power and the glory
Forever and ever amen
They'll say, We'll say
Yours is the kingdom
The power and the glory
Forever and ever amen.

Weekends away - praise be to GOD!

10 in My Books!

Today was the Avon Maitland District Cross Country meeting at the Falls Reserve. It was a crisp fall day with the beautiful golden, red, and orange leaves floating to the ground.

Stephen and I arrived just in time to watch the most important race of the day - the 10 year old girls! Yes, our daughter Nicole was lined up with 49 anxious, excited runners at the starting line of their race. We watched as they listened intently to the "Get Set" and the thunderous clap which sent the girls racing down the first stretch on the road, through the campsite, into the wooded path, and up a flight of wooden stairs to the finish line.

After we cheered on the first few participants, we were surprised to see our little runner emerging so quickly behind and sprinting her way to the finish line. She was very focused on completing the race, no smile, just plain determination to complete her run. She did give a small grin when she heard Stephen cheer her on "GO, NICOLE, GO!" We were blown away to see her finish so strong - number ten!

After the race, she was beaming as she proudly wore her medal around her neck. While there is always a better placement like winning first, in my books she is a 10! She ran her best and I am SO proud of her!

As Always But Today A Nice Little Surprise!

As always, I am moved to tears when I ponder about breast cancer, the fight, and the number of women who are dear to my heart and affected by this disease.

As always, the month of October is breast cancer awareness month. Pink is everywhere! There was not one store in which I ventured into yesterday that did not don some pink item. There was an aisle of pink ribboned attire in one store, a wall of donation cards plastered behind the cash register in another, and even one store sold pink coloured toilet paper. While it means way more to me today, I found myself having to catch my breath at the first "pink" sighting. As always, it still hits me hard.

As always in the morning, when I go to open my email account I scan the news feed on yahoo. It is a quick opportunity to see what is happening in our world. Then I know that I am living and not just existing - as my grade eight teacher often stated at current events time. While I skip the news about the latest Hollywood gossip it is the real life information that I am after.

Here lies the nice little surprise -

"BREAST CANCER BREAKTHROUGH"

Canadian scientists may have unlocked

the mystery behind how

deadly disease begins and spreads.

Although I realize it is a small step and many more need to be made, it is one more step on the journey. Let's maybe even call it a little leap of joy on the path. WOW! Thank you God!

Day for Celebrating Lasts

We often celebrate first such as our first day at school, our first job, our first home, the birth of our first child, their first steps, but we forget to remember the lasts. I once read a book that reminded the reader to remember and take great notice of the lasts. If you knew that it was the last time that your child would hold your hand to steady themselves as they walk, then you probably would hold on at least one more minute just to feel their little dependence in your warm hand. If it would be the last time your child would gives you a hug on the schoolyard in front of their friends, you would probably hug them just a little tighter, a little longer. It is often these endearing moments that slip away and are never to return. So today instead of looking forward to the first I have relished in a couple of "lasts".
Today marks the last day of summer vacation. Tomorrow the girls will begin their next year of school. It was a day in which not much expected because the routine of school will take over tomorrow. The girls enjoyed breakfast in their PJs downstairs while watching the "Pink Panther" on RetroTV. (Have not seen that one since I was a little girl.) Once that was done, Meagan and Sarah played the game of Life - the new version. Meagan was the banker, a girl after my own heart. Sarah carefully listened to all the instructions she was given. I had to help Meagan every once in a while figure out the correct exchanges to make. It was a great way to bring in a little bit of mathematics with some fun! Learning just never ends.
Today marks the last day I am in my thirties. While I have been reminded several times today that tomorrow is my birthday I am relishing every last minute that I am still 39. Yes, tomorrow I will be the big 4-0! I must say that I will boost about my birthday tomorrow since I am happy to have made it this far. This last decade brought with it many happy occasions and the most biggest challenge of my life. Today I remember that last of the thirties and how I have been truly blessed!

Reflections from our summer trip

What a trip out East does for the soul is sometimes too much to put in words, but I will attempt in some capacity.

We began our Eastern trip on the Friday after the last day of school in June. We had packed up the tent trailer with all our wares for the next three weeks. The van was equipped with a few items to make the trip more comfortable. When we first planned this trip, I was looking forward to this much needed time away for our family, but as the expected time of departure neared I was a little apprehensive about spending that much time in a trailer. However, once on the road, we settled in quite nicely.

It was something to experience the girls' excitement about the little things along the way. Actually, while in Toronto it was the BIG things that caught their attention. They were mesmerized by the skyscrapers in the capital city, Toronto. Since we live in a small town with a population under 10000, the girls have not seen too many structures over two stories. For them, taking the elevator up to the first floor at the library is neat. They were in awe to see the apartments buildings - trying to count the number of floors in a building was a difficult task.

Our first stop was Darlington Provincial Park. It was the first of many sights in which we would witness the beauty that God created. It was a reminder that we just need to stop more often and sit and bask in the wonder and awe of our world. Nicole had captured this picture! How amazing it is to think that while one could see this sight, one would hear the continuous dull buzzing sound of the traffic flowing along the TransCanada Highway.

There is quite a variety of new experiences in store for us before we reached the next stop - Quebec City KOA. We had to cross over a number of bridges, navigate through the busy elevated highways of Montreal without the aid of a GPS, drive under the St Lawrence in the tunnel, try to make sense of the foreign signs with limited knowledge of the language, and feel the varying provincial road standards on the van suspension, all while taking in the changing scenery.

The next day we were on our way to crossover the border of Quebec/New Brunswick and begin the "Maritime" part of the trip. We saw two major bodies of water, Lake Ontario and the St. Lawrence. We viewed the adorable farmlands stretching out from the shore of the River. We longed to get closer to the lone mountains in the distant and wondered about the few establishments that were nestled in these rock structures.

This lag of the trip brought a few unexpected stops. This next day was filled with a few "unplanned" surprises. We had seen the sign on the highway mentioning the covered bridge in Hartford as a point of interest. Since we were ready for a good stretch this seemed like a good place to see something outside the confines of the van. It was our first "Maritime" sightseeing venture. Little did we know that we would be crossing over on one of the longest covered wooden bridges.

Our next little surprise was at our chosen camping stop - the Jellystone Park in Woodstock, NB. We could not set up quick enough to enjoy all the activities available at this place. How fun it is to race down the water slide with your daughters! Meagan could have spent the day and night panning for precious stones. She would have found a golden nugget had she been born when the Gold Rush happened! Sarah could not get enough of Yogi Bear and loved the singalong wagon ride. It was cute to see the big bear hug our little Sarah Bear! Nicole used a lot of concentration when she was lining up her putt on the mini golf course. With such determination she should have and maybe could have putted a hole-in-one if we did not need to stop because a rainstorm swept upon us.




While it took three nights to finally arrived in the Maritimes, we had already experienced a few delightful encounters. While it seems to have taken a long time to get finally get there, I was struck with this lesson. I have learned in a real way through the past year that sometimes it takes a LONG time to arrive at a certain destinations. Although the journey does not pass quick enough to bring one to the desired destination, there are a number of wonderful surprises that God blesses us with to enjoy along the way. This lesson held true for us as we traveled to the beautiful Maritimes too.

Can Breathe Once Again!!

Tuesday marked the day that I once again had to visit the London Health Science Centre for my check-up. While I am not too surprised at how anxious I become for a few days leading up to the visit back to that place, I wish that it were not so. Even though I have been visiting that location for over a year, some of the same feelings and thoughts rear their ugly head with each step that I take toward that place for my scheduled appointments. This last visit was no exception!

My appointment was with my radiation doctor, Dr Vujovic. I have not see her since my last radiation treatment on Feb 25, 2009 when I walked out of the clinic with my heart hoping that I would never have to return for cancer treatments once again. I am glad to say that I have now passed my sixth month appointment without any signs of recurrence!

Dr Vujovic was patient with the numerous questions that I had. I knew the answers but in a silly way I was hoping that the responses would be different than I thought. I have been asked several times "Are you cancer-free?", "Are you cured?" or "Are you in remission?" Since my heart does a quick extra beat when I struggle with my own response when asked, I thought that I would seek the response of an expert. Here too, I was not surprised at her response although I wished that it would have been different. Dr Vujovic stated that she sort of cringes at those terms. Breast cancer is similar to other chronic diseases such as heart disease. (Take note of the adjective - chronic.) While there are a number of treatments that are administered to remove or easy the disease, there is no cure. There is no way of knowing if or when the cancer may come back. It may be one month, one year, ten years, or for some patients it may never reoccurs. So when I am asked I will be sticking with the response that I have used, much to the surprise of the questioner - for NOW I am not showing any signs of recurrence. It is at this moment that while the answers to the questions did not change, I was reminded that the One to whom I turn is just as constant. It is at this moment that I am directed to do only one thing - direct my attention to the One who has been there each step, each thought, each heart-changing moment and granted me more time without signs of recurrence. God has granted me more time to "LIVE with breast cancer." For this my heart can rest assured that I am held in His good hands.

On a different note, we had a good chuckle. Dr Vujovic asked if I did routine breast exams. I was honest with my response - "Almost every day!" I had a huge grin knowing as I admitted it out loud it sounded even more ridiculous. I have heard through the media that for most women, while they have good intentions, breast exams are not too routine. It is funny to be told that I should try to be LESS routine - monthly was sufficient.

Now I can breathe a little easier since I do not need to return til October, provided there is no recurrence. Maybe my next visit, I will be able to walk into and sit through a visit with less anxiety or some tear streaming from my eyes. But for now, I just look forward.....

We are back!!!!

Wow, we have had a full three weeks away to the Maritimes with the girls. How wonderful it was to explore a number of the tourist sites there, the natural wonders in our creations, and have some time away to just be with our little family.
Over the next couple of says I will post a review of the trip and maybe include a few photos.
til then....

17 Years and Counting!

Usually, we are counting down until a much anticipated event will happen or a tragic experience will be over. But today I would like to break from the norm and begin counting up. Yes, I have begun to realize over the past year that it is much better to count up! I wake up in the morning and I can thank God that I am given one more day. I meet one more parent of one of my kid's friends, while on the class trip, and I can ask that God will use this as one more opportunity to do His "thing". I celebrate with Stephen today our 17th anniversary and I ask God for a blessing on this wonderful man who has been there in good times and bad, in sickness and in health, and I know that the three of us can walk through whatever life brings together. It generally is much better to count up!

For the past week I was counting the days til the Huron County "Relay for Life." In the afternoon as we walked the girls home from school, Meagan mentioned that she was excited for the walk. I thought that it was the usually things that she looked forward to - playing in the open field with her friend, getting her face painted, having a balloon animal, or staying up til it was dark and seeing all the candles lit around the track. But once again, the words of the girls never cease to be a surprise. She was glad that I was a survivor, so that I could walk in the survivor walk.

Now, I have taken the first steps in an "official" survivors' walk and can begin to count up how many more I will be granted to walk. Here is a little recap of my first "survivor" relay for life and I look forward to adding more to it. It was wonderful to see Meagan running about the mid-field swinging their swords in a mock battle against some unseen beast. She was delighted in all the "free stuff" that was available to take home. How excited she is with the small things in life sometimes. My heart swelled as Nicole was sitting with her school friends cheering me on during the Survivors' Walk. She had rallied her friends in a line right beside the track and told them my name so that they could shout it out. Her encouragement and concern for me easily was felt and projected with the numerous hugs throughout the night. I was delighted to watch Sarah bounce Chantal on the blowup dragon or toss the Frisbee straight toward her unintended target. Her joy in living in the moment is so refreshing. I was choked up by Stephen's thoughtfulness in the littlest things even right down to the extra luminary purchased that night. He was busy capturing as many of the moments as he could, making sure that everyone was caught on film whether they wanted to be or not. His enthusiasm and joy in remembering and celebrating the impact of this event is overwhelming. While I was able to make it through the walk without shedding a tear, it was during the lighting of the luminaries that my eyes glistened. It was at that moment that I realized that this was the second year that there were candles to be lit with my name on it. Even more striking was that I have been added to the growing number of those living with a cancer diagnosis. The track seemed to shine brighter and swell with what I thought were more luminaries than the previous year. I guess here too the counting will just continue.

Tonight, I end with just this one last thought... that while I will continue to count, I will try to only add up the good things. Because it is the blessings that we receive from Above that really count in the end anyways.

It is not always black or white!!!

Sometimes it is a lot more gray than we would like. As promised here are the pictures of the new hair, less a much needed haircut. I must apologize for the not too glamourous look. I have been trying out the new camera and this is only the 25th picture that I had taken in a matter of an hour. It is also not too good of an idea to take a photo of yourself. For one thing, it is a little difficult to determine if you are holding the appertatus at the right angle, if the lighting is good, or if the wrinkles and double chin are more pronounced from your contoured position. May be I should have waited til Stephen came home from his week at Calvin Seminary - oh well, here it is......

Hair Have You Been?

All yesterday I was boosting about the fact that it was one year ago that my hair fell out or I really should have said pulled it out. This year I woke up in the morning and said to myself that I looked like a "mad scientist" - my hair was stiff and sticking straight up - almost an Albert Einstein fashion - not the "bald eagle" look of last year.

I have sported a wide variety of looks this past year and here is a look at my transition over the past year.....







There is a blank space because I was going to include a more recent photo to show off the curls... but our camera is broken and I can't find the cable to connect my cellphone which I was able to take a photo with. I will do a mad search tomorrow morning. For that one you will have to check back at a later time.

When I think about
- how devastated I was at my first glimpse of my baldness in the mirror
- how freakish it was that I scratched my head "just like my dad does"
- how cool it really was to be bald in the hot summer days
- how unfair it is, in my sister Denise's words, "that bald people have such nice shaped heads"
- how concerned I was with head coverings especially for more dressier occasions
- how shocking it was for some the first time I discarded my signature black and white cap
- how fortunate I have been able to experience a whole gamut of hair styles such as straight long hair, baldness, and short curly hair without the aid of a professional hairdresser

I am then reminded of the following verse from Luke 12:7 :
Indeed, the very hairs of your head are all numbered. Don't be afraid; you are worth more than many sparrows. (Luke 12:7)

Once again God demonstrates, in the long and short of it, a lesson well learned. I am loved no matter how many strands of hair were or are hanging from my scalp. I am worth much to God and that counts for every!

Just Me and the Girls

Wow, half of the week has past with just me and the girls. Each day I am blessed to talk to Stephen to see how he is doing back at school. He seems a little more relaxed as each day has passed. Last year he had planned to take a course but there was a dramatic change in our plans that year. I am glad that he is able to take this time away - to rejuvenate, to rest, and to just get away. He has much needed and deserves this somewhat short break. It sounds like he is enjoying it!
We have been busy on the home front. I am glad that I have the energy to keep up with the demands of the home all by myself. (Last month, I would not be so sure that I could handle it.)
The sunnier but not so warm weather has meant that the outside activities are keeping us busy - biking up and down the sidewalk or side street, playing at the Rotary Cove playground at the beach, jumping rope, drawing with the sidewalk chalk, scooting down the lane with the scooters, jumping on the trampoline to name a number of physical activities that draw the girls and a few friends to "hang out."
Each day for the past week and a half the girls have been coming home with note and permission slips for the various class excursions that are planned for this final month. Their school life is busier than ever. My color coded calendar is almost too full with all the events that there is little white space and only a third of the month is over.This week the girls will visit Victoria Public School in order to see where all the town kids will be attending school next year. It is a chance for Meagan to meet her pen pal and Sarah to meet a couple new "friends". Nicole is now packed for the over-nighter at Camp Kintail with the grades 4 and 5 classes. She is so excited I hope that she will be able to sleep tonight and not wake up too early tomorrow morning. For Nicole it will be her first experience at camp. All the activities sound thrilling - archery, talent show, capture the flag, and sleeping in a bunk. Oh, the lack of sleep due to all the giggling and chatting of the eight girls in one cabin, I can only imagine.
For the next two days I have my calendar filled with visits. I must admit that each day this week, except today, was an opportunity for me to make a coffee or tea visit with a friend. It is a nice break to my day to speak with other adult. For me nothing beats a little "girlfriend" time -since Stephen is not around I do need someone to talk to and I am glad there are so many willing "ears" to fill in. I am almost caught up with all the classis work that I need to do. Now I just need to focus on the budget!
Well it is time to slip off to bed... need a good night's sleep to keep up the energy level for the adventures of the next couple of days until Stephen returns!!!

Cause for Celebration!

I am glad that last week has ended and a new one has begun. Once again God has demonstrated that even during some tougher moments there are still moments in life to celebrate. Moments worth REJOICING.

Last week was a difficult one for me since a number of the stressful feelings that I dealt with last year have resurfaced. It is funny how a year can pass so quickly and yet it still feels like yesterday. Although time passes, I am not convinced that time always heals. Sometimes events touch us so deeply that we are altered so much that we are never, ever the same. While I am not going to delve into the specifics, I want wholeheartedly to move on and pray that God will help me do this. "Letting go" is one of the toughest life lessons that I still have much to learn about. I think that is why God made sure that my weekend was filled with moments to remember His Goodness. Sometimes we have to just focus on the blessings - His blessings.

This weekend was packed with family - both the Tammings and the Klein-Geltinks. (Although each visit was not really long enough, my tired body tells me that it was almost too much.) We were able to spend Friday night and Saturday morning with Stephen's family in Strathroy. Then on Saturday the girls stayed, while Stephen and I attended my cousin's wedding in Ingersoll.

It was wonderful to celebrate with family and friends the union of this young couple. It was wonderful to watch "young love" in action. It was amazing to share in this one moment when love is pledged to one another. During the vows, though my mind wandered. I was struck by the memory of how "young" Stephen and I were when we made our vows almost 17 years ago. How exhilarating it was to look forward to a wonderful life with little thought to the tougher moments that we could or would face together! How wonderful it is that on the wedding day we are not clouded with what may come our way but filled with celebrating that God had brought us to that point and would be there each step of the way!

Later, I boosted several times that Saturday for me was another big day! It marked the anniversary of my first chemo blast. It was interesting to listen to a number of comments and answering the numerous inquires as to how I was doing. While I don't really enjoy drawing too much attention to myself , I openly admit that it was good, no let me say great, to receive so many comments about "How GOOD I looked!" While there were many times last year that I did not feel it so much, today I did feel good. I took the greatest pleasure in my comeback to that comment from my uncles and aunts. I had gone around the table for the usual hugs and greetings and added this comment "That FINALLY I had more hair than all my uncles!"

I have included a picture captured at the reception. I love it because it captures a good moment. What can be better than held in the arms of the one who I married almost 17 years ago and grown to love more and more each day!

Our celebrations did not end last night but carried on into our church service this morning. While it was a different moment, it was a great moment to celebrate - it was God's moment once again. It is great to witness and celebrate baptism. It was a moment to bask in the joy of how God works in hearts and lives to bring people to a point to desire to follow Him. How amazingly He moves in people's lives to bring them to Him. I loved watching and listening to how God reminds me of His promise to always be with us. I loved the video demonstrating how awesome our God is. I loved to be reminded of how much he cares for us. He cares so much he imprinted us with the image of His greatest demonstration of His love. Just take a look at how he fashioned even in the smallest of our cells - laminin.





All I want to declare that our GOD IS AWESOME! It is good to celebrate His goodness!

How Can I Keep From Singing!

At the end of this entry is the lyrics to a song that we sang in church a few Sundays ago but today the tune is ringing in my head. It is called "How Can I Keep From Singing" by Chris Tomlin.

While the words are so true as to the amazing love that is bestowed upon us from above, I was struck by how not so true those words were for me last year. While my heart knew the truth about what God has done and how dearly I am loved by the King, my voice could not sing.

Today I stand in awe of how far the Lord has brought me in one year. Last year at this time I was unable to attend our church classis meeting because I was having a core biopsy performed. Yesterday I was able to stand up and report, quite nervously I must admit, donning a whole new curly look. Later I was overwhelmed by the number of persons who commented about "how good I looked." To which my response was "Well I DO try! Last year we would drive in the van with whatever Praise and Worship CD was in the player blasting the tunes and my mouth could not utter a word for fear that I would tear up so much that I could not see the road as the words are to hard to sing. Today, the van is sometimes hard to keep on the road because of the vibration of the music and the singing and swaying to the beat of the five precious passengers. Last year I was wondering if I would see another Mother's Day. This year I was spoiled by much love and thoughtfulness of the three beautiful girls and my loving husband, Stephen. Last year I was plagued with "what if I never...?", "what will happen...?", "why is this happening NOW?", and "what is God doing with this?". Today I still don't know the purpose of it, I just hope that God is working miraculously through me with it. Last year, I was concerned deeply by how much this cancer was taking away from me - my naivety about life and death, our children's innocence, my ability to carry on all my usual household responsibilities, my love to spend time with our GEMS Tuesday nights, how my body was going to be permanently changed. Today, I thank God for the daily blessings that I receive regardless of how little or how big and just that I am granted one more day, that God is touching lives through me, and mostly that I am taken and held as a daughter of the King. For all this and much more than words can describe I can now sing these words:

"How Can I Keep From Singing"

by Chris Tomlin

There is an endless song

Echoes in my soul

I hear the music ring

And though the storms may come

I am holding on

To the rock I cling

How can I keep from singing Your praise

How can I ever say enough

How amazing is Your love

How can I keep from shouting Your name

I know I am loved by the King

And it makes my heart want to sing

I will lift my eyes

In the darkest night

For I know my Savior lives

And I will walk with You

Knowing You'll see me through

And sing the songs You give

I can sing in the troubled times

Sing when I win

I can sing when I lose my step

And fall down again

I can sing 'cause You pick me up

Sing 'cause You're there

I can sing 'cause You hear me, Lord

When I call to You in prayer

I can sing with my last breath

Sing for I know

That I'll sing with the angels

And the saints around the throne

Mother's Day

What mother can resist waiting in bed while the kids are up to "something" in the kitchen on Mother's Day. This is what happened in our home Mother's Day morning. I must admit that I rather enjoy sleeping in every possible minute that I can.

Since Stephen was gone to the office early for the service preparation, the girls were, as I suspected, wanting to make breakfast in bed for me. I heard a few whispers and waited to see what would develop. Meagan came into get me her morning hug and casually stated that she was taking a family survey of favourite cereals. Once I stated my favourite, she walked out the room and saying that she would "write that down." How clever she is!

After church, we went out to dinner - a great way for me not to think about what to cook up and just enjoy the time being served by someone else. We had a good laugh when Sarah plunked her crayon into my tea. I should have seen that coming since the cup of tea was the same type as the crayon holder on the other side of the table. At the end of the meal, the girls and I had a good laugh when Meagan sat in Stephen's spot for a minute. She was glad to sit on a warm spot. The girls laughed hard when I told them that "Dad had a hot butt!" Oh, how they are growing up and pure delight to hear their giggles and belly laughs!

Once home again the girls each ran to their rooms to find their hidden treasures. Meagan had made a necklace with beads going from a dark colour to light - even matched from the centre, and a bookmark. Sarah had drawn a picture of the two of us inside a heart frame. (I am still captured with little hair) Nicole had created a pop-out dove card. What better way to be reminded of how dearly loved than to receive three handmade gifts, each bearing their own special message. Oh, how I have been blessed to be a mother of three delightful, creative, loving young ladies!

Thanks be to God for days like this!

It is nice to be able to say that life has somewhat returned to "normal" around the Tamming household. Our schedules are filled quickly weekly with the routine meetings that Stephen attends, the school days ending with track practice, play dates as often as the girls want and we are able to squeeze in, soccer practice and swimming lessons, homework and piano practice, and the usual mundane household activities that need to be filled. While it has returned to "normal", I have not been updating the blog as frequently due to the fact that I am not sure what exactly to write about. While life is returning to normal and there are constant reminders for me of the past year, for the average person life looking in life has returned to "normal". For those who are regular viewers I will continue to post an entry at least once a week - for my shear pleasure of capturing some of the events of our family. Some may be reflective and others well just for the fun of it. Here is such an entry ---

Last weekend we ventured to Kitchener for a visit with my family. I must admit that it was nice to visit knowing that it was not cancer related. By this I mean that it was not scheduled around a doctor's visit and the need for a sitter or having to deal with the after effects of treatment (which my fatigue is subsiding - I am able to stay up til 10:00 pm - not crashing before the girls) This weekend was planned for the pure excitement.

We were able to get away on Friday night and had a wonderful meal with Mom, Dad, Ken, Denise, Elissa and Courtney. Stephen did a great job barbequing the kabobs that Mom had made. Later in the evening Scott and Ken joined in. Stephen took great pleasure later in the evening being supported be his two brother-in-laws. It was good to sit around and chat. We were excited and a little concerned for the "new addition" into Ken's life - his kitten that he rescued from the dump - yes the dump.

The next morning we did a power shop for a few summer items for the girls at their favourite store - Old Navy all before 10:30 am on a Saturday morning. The girls have grown up so much already. Three girls trying on clothes at the same time can be quite an adventure just on its own. Three distinct tastes and each one needing the approval of the parents and their view of the mirror image. Then it was back for a brunch before we got ready for the main event.

The main event was attending High Musical On Stage at the St. Jacob's Playhouse. Grandpa and Grandma had planned months ago to take the family to any young girls dream a live performance of one of Disney's musicals. All the girls were excited and even the parents could hardly hold in their excitement. The girls were quickly changed and ready to go more than a half hour in advance. Once everyone was ready the convoy made its way to the small town theatre. It was great to watch the girls take in the theatre surrounding. The wide eyes were incredible. I am not sure what they were expecting but I do know that it did more than surpass what their imagination could muster.

And then the play began..... the girls were staring with a few mouths held open. Grandpa slept through the first act. I think that I caught a glimpse of Scott singing along during his favourite songs. There was laughter at the jokes and new discovered words, swaying to the rhythm of the beat, and wonderment of the changes of the scenery and working of the performance. At the end of the play, we were encouraged to join Troy Bolton and Gabriella in bellowing out the Wild Cat Cheer. The elderly gentleman sitting beside Stephen gave a funny look at the enthusiasm of our row. That did not matter to us since it was a musical after all and joining in on the singing was strongly encouraged at that moment.

After the girls had an opportunity to meet a few of the cast members...

I could not resist the a photo opp with one of the stars of the show either!!

It was a great weekend filled with family time!

Now I Can Breathe.....

This afternoon the id on the call displayed read "MVMC". The long version of this is Maitland Valley Medical Centre. This is the call that I have been waiting for. since last week's mammogram... somewhat eagerly and somewhat hesitantly. I took a deep breathe because I knew that our nurse, Lindsay, would be on the other end. The results of the test must have been read by my doctor and here was the news. All Lindsay said was that we needed to go could go out for ice cream to celebrate - it was good news! The mammogram was clear. I am now sporting a big smile once again and breathing a lot more easily.

"THE" Day

Let me begin by writing that I have written the following words in order that once they are out of my head, God will relief me and I can carry on today.

Today marks the day last year that Stephen and I sat in the corner room of the emergency department in Alexandar Marine and General Hospital awaiting the results of the fine needle biopsy. Up until then the mammogram and ultrasound had pointing me in the direction of further testing and now we awaited the results of the testing of actual tissue that had been removed. I sat on the side of the stretch bed while Stephen sat in the only chair in the room. Dr Anand walked in and sat down on the stool and laid my file on the end of the bed. I remember his first words were to the effect that he could not believe the results because he had thought that it would be different. It was "suspiciously malignant."

There are a few poignant moments over the past year and this was definitely one of them. I remember sitting there as if a wall had just immediately been built around me. I did not cry, as I so often easily do now. I just stared at Stephen. He had been a pillar of strength and optimism through the previous month and those two words crushed him. In the almost sixteen years that of our marriage I have never seen Stephen whipped and struck down as in that moment. That wall now separated us in a way that he would wrestle with the "what will I do, if...?" and I would wrestle with "this can't be the end of it. How is it going to work out from here, til...?" I was now separated from each family member because no member has received a cancer diagnosis.

I must say that up until that moment I loved living with the knowledge that I would die one day. But I was not happy to feel and know the true reality of that statement. I have had to wrestle with the knowledge that I am not sure if or when the cancer will return. I have had to learn to "live with cancer". Life truly is a daily gift. Over the past year, my Dad has been one person who is brutally honest in questioning and pointing out what I would be wrestling with, honest about how it would not be easy but that I needed to wrestle with it, and honest to let me know that he had to face much of the same questions when he had his heart attack almost 20 years ago.

While this morning I pray that today will be much different than last year. Today my mammogram will be read by the radiologist and I find myself waiting for these results. Today I have the questions still and only one answer to calm me - that God is present in whatever my day brings. I was not surprised when God once again placed this message for me to read. (This is from a box of daily messages from the students of the Clinton Christian and District School - a gift of words of encouragement received this March)

"In my distress I cried unto the Lord and He heard me.
In all of your troubels God is right there beside you
helping you the whole way!" - Hannah

I thank the Lord for the continuous simple reminders. I am thankful that although I felt like a wall was built around me that was far from the case. God was surrounding me in His arms and was never let me go.

the Big Squeeze yet Again

Today I had to undergone the dreaded annual mammogram. Although this is not my first, it is the first one since my diagnosis last year. It is funny to think about the saying that "time eases all things" by Sophocles. While a year has past, it does not take much to be brought back and overwhelmed by the resurgence of the feelings that you once experienced. While a whole year has expired, and at times it has felt like a lifetime has occurred, today it is was like yesterday.

After I offered up a prayer for strength and support, I talked myself into believing that "I could get through this one test". I walked into the mammogram department with as much confidence as I could muster very much aware of the nervousness that surged through my veins. I was determined to make it through the next test without reliving last year's events with tear-filled eyes. However that is exactly what occurred. While all I wanted to do was to have the excruciating squeezes done, I first needed to relay my past history and medicine journey since my last mammogram.

I now find myself in the precarious position of the "wait and see" game that I played last year at this time. I now find myself holding my breath a little bit waiting the results. I just hope and trust that God will grant me some comfort and strength to wait this one out.

Three Month Check Up!

It is hard to imagine but I am scheduled for my three month check up tomorrow. This is the three month marker from the first time in which I started the hormone therapy regiment -three months of Tamoxifen.
I have not written in a while mostly because this month is a relatively hard one for me. It is because this month marks the anniversary of the dates in which I was waiting results of mammograms, ultra sounds, and biopsies. It was tough last year and this year it is proving to be somewhat the same - except now I am continuing to learn how to live with my diagnosis.
This past weekend I could not turn on the TV without the reminder of the daffodil sales which were taking place in support of cancer research. For me it reminds me of this event from last year. I will not easily forget when Meagan bounced off the school bus proudly carrying two bright yellow flowers. She was so proud that she had brought something special home for her mom. Meagan loves the natural world and holding flowers is pure delight for this girl. As glad as she was to give me the bundle, I was inwardly shouting don't give those to me and wanted to throw them as far away as I could. She declared that she brought them home "just for me." What she was unaware of at the time was that I was waiting for the results of my mammogram. While I did not "feel right" about the lump that I had discovered I hoped that my gut instincts were so very wrong. The flowers were just a reminder of the dreaded news that I was hoping not to hear. This weekend was a reminder of one event so poignant. Now I will never look upon a daffodil without remembering that moment when she brought home the flowers "just for me" and how fitted that gesture really was.
Tomorrow Stephen and I will travel down to London to meet with my oncologist. I have not travelled back to London since I left on February 25, my last radiation treatment. I am hoping that tonight will be a restful night of sleep. Also, I am hoping that while I may worry about this visit it will not really amount to anything but a good visit - that all will be well til the next three months.

April's Fools Day

Today is a day fit for the prankster. I smile when I think about the fact that our girls are beginning to think about pulling pranks on someone just for fun.

Early this morning I heard some activity going on in the kitchen but just let it happen. It seemed innocent enough with the cupboard door opening which held the glasses and everyday dishes. I thought that Nicole was getting a glass of juice or making some toast to begin her breakfast. It is good to see how the girls are growing up and becoming more independent.

If only this was the case. Shortly after, Nicole lightly tapped Stephen on the shoulder to come into the kitchen to help her. I was grateful because that is not the usual way in which unfold in our home - it's my help that often is requested first thing. This should have been my second clue that something was up. Stephen got up, did something with her, and then promptly returned to catch a couple more moments of sleep. I asked what she was doing and the response was "nothing really". It was after that I heard in the kitchen a little exchange of whispers following by the words "Maybe not.... would you like it to be done to you." I smiled because I thought, mistakenly, that Nicole was bestowing some good advice to her sister.

Once I was up and breakfast was being eaten, I ventured to ask what was going on in the kitchen earlier. It was then that I learned the truth. The girls had woken up remembering that it was April 1 - April Fools Day. They planned to play a joke on me. (Gasp) I chuckled at the thought and wondered what they were planning. So I asked a little hesitant. I am not sure whose idea it was but the plan was to exchange the sugar with the salt. Quite clever! I laughed at that and told the girls why.....

When I was younger, in the Klein-Geltink household, this prank was done. Now I am not sure how I would have reacted had the prank been carried out but I remember the reaction that my Mom had. I also told the girls about the time in which Denise and Tammy filled the ice cube tray with vinegar and forgot about it. Mom once again reacted to this one. It is funny now to think about it - just grateful it was not me.

Although this year the day passed with no pranks played, I am looking forward to next year. They may actually will get the nerve to carry out the prank - even if you would not want it done to you. It can just be for fun. For now, I will be able to enjoy my coffee just sweetened a little bit more.

A Girls' Only Road Trip

March Break is over already one week but I thought that I would include a little anecdote about another road trip - our "Girls' Only" Road Trip.

Denise convinced me to travel with all five girls ALL the way to Timmins. While most people travel south on March Break the Tamming and Gibson girls headed north.

We met at Orangeville to squeeze the girls and all the belongings that seven women would need for a five day excursion. Believe me, the van was packed. Once all that was possible to fight into every nook and cranny of the van we were off to our first stop in Bracebridge. We planned a stopover at Denise's sister-in-law's home. We would invade the most home that mostly boys resided in. Lisa was gracious enough to allow us to take over her complete basement level of her home. When her two young boys woke up in the morning I think that they were a little overwhelmed to see so many girls playing with their stuff.

The next morning we were on our way to meet Mom in North Bay. She was a bit smarter to stop farther along the trip to make it a shorter drive. It is amazing how well the girls traveled. Although I have to admit that the technological age in which we live helps - in car DVD players are amazing. I loved the fact that Denise made a mixed CD for her and I to listen to . She had captured all the old favourites that we as kids enjoyed and were subjected to - The Gambler, 99 Red Balloons, Girls Just Want to Fun, Wolverton Mountain, - to name a few. I had the pleasure of a chauffeur so my trip was enjoyed with a little nap along the way too. Between Mom and Denise I don't know who was more concerned about me tiring myself out.

Once we arrived in Timmins, we piled out of the van and slid to the front door of the Peloquin household. Yes, we slid. In Orangeville my girls had worn shoes but here in Timmins the boots, snow pants, gloves, and hats would need to be worn. The snow was almost as tall as Sarah. The girls loved tobogganing down the man made hill in the park behind Tammy and Mark's house. It was a great way for them to wear of some of the energy that was bottled up during the trip up. At night the kids found whatever space was available to sleep on in the basement. Courtney and Sarah were lined up on the couch with Ryan lying on the cushions beside. Elissa, Meagan, and Nicole claimed the couch. It was good to see Ryan enjoying the slumber party.

The next day we had a wonderful time was began slowly. After we enjoyed a delicious homemade waffle breakfast, we planned the days outing. It was off to the local alley for a game of bowling, followed by a tour of the wine store. Tammy gave each an explanation of the wine making process. She taught us a couple of wine quality "things" - like that fact that wine has legs - who would have know. Then it was back to the home so that the kids could toboggan once again and supper could be prepared. A nice packed day!

That night we were planning where we should made our stopover on the way back home. Tammy suggested that go to the Clarion in North Bay and swim in the outdoor pool. Yes, you read that right - OUTDOOR. I was very skeptical of this because the girls were looking forward to swimming in a pool and staying in a hotel. For Courtney and Elissa this would be their first time in a hotel - we wanted it to be a grand experience. Once convinced, Tammy made the reservations. We were now committed.

The next day we loaded up the van once again and headed in the direction that most people travel on Spring Break - south. This time it seemed like the trip was longer than going up. It may be due to the number of stops that we made. Aside from bathroom breaks, there was the lunch break and the "bison" statue.

The hotel was very fun. We had planned for the younger women in one room and Denise and I in the other. That way we each had a bed to our self. Wonderful! The girls were excited when the door between the rooms could be opened. Once all the goodies were in the rooms it was time to done our swimming suits. Off to the pool! Now this was a little mind boggling. Every pool I have ever gotten into I had to dip in slowly. First my legs, stop, then my stomach, stop, then the rest of me. Here, my first toe dip was delightful - warm like a bathtub. The girls enjoyed jumping in several times. It was a little chilling watching them climb out of the pool into the cool winter air. They could not get enough of it. After a nice dinner out, it was back into the pool for the evening swim. You would think that it was a hot summer day for the amount that the girls wanted to swim. Denise and I sat on the edge bundled in mittens, winter coats and towels while the girls enjoyed the water this time.

The next morning we could not leave without a morning swim. You should have seen the steam coming off the water. Well, the pictures show a little bit. Take a look at the snow in the background! Crazy but wonderful! We really do need to thank Tammy for this suggestion. It was a highlight for me!

On our way home we made a stopover in Barrie. It was good to see Gene, Monica and their two sons. I was taken back at how much Joshua looks like his dad when he was little. The girls enjoyed playing with the boys for a couple of hours while we enjoyed the catch up with our cousin. Then it was back in the van for the last leg to Orangeville before we parted our ways.

I was glad that Denise suggested this trip. I was good to visit our sister once again but this time on her own turf. It was good to experience something new - swimming outdoors in the winter. It was good to see that seven girls can have a wonderful time on the road. Sometimes it is great to make road trips!

One Month Gone

Today it has been one full month since my last treatment. It was a quiet day since all of the girls are at school and Stephen was busy at work. A good time to reflect.

It is hard in some ways to look back over what has transpired during the course of the past year as I am now returning to somewhat of a "normal life." I write that statement with hesitation because while things are slowing returning to a way it used to be, I don't feel like the way I used to be. While my surroundings and the regular home "stuff" that needs to looked after remains the same, I don't feel and think the same way.

Maybe that is why I will include this entry that I was going to write when I came home then but for some reason I have delayed writing it. For some reason this image has not left my mind. Maybe writing it down will allow me to let it go......

As I was returning home from London I took the country roads. It was one of the most peaceful rides that I have had since I have begun traveling to the clinic. There was peace that this was the last return trip of my treatment schedule - from now on three month checkups are schedule. Peace that God has used these treatments as healing for my body. There was peace because I was the only one in the vehicle and I was not talking out loud to myself. I had even decided to turn off the radio because I would soon be home and it would be filled with the busyness of our Tamming clan.

At that moment I was driving down a very long straight stretch and not a soul was to be seen; not a vehicle on the road nor a person within viewing distance. It was only me and the road. I was struck by how it reflected how I have felt at times during the past year - the number of times that I have traveled this journey "alone". I have had a number of ladies let me know that they have had the diagnosis of breast cancer but there has not been one who is under the age of 40 and with a young family. There were the moments when I felt I was the only one whose life stopped because now I needed to learn how to live with the cancer diagnosis. I was the one who had to wrestle with my own mortality. At times, I endured the pain of the side effects while Stephen could only wish that they would subside. I was the only one learning to live with the permanent scars of this disease. There were the times late at night while Stephen and the girls peacefully slept and I was lying awake wondering "what is the purpose of all of it, Lord?"

I was now headed home and where was I going from here. But it was almost as soon as that loneliness hit me I was quickly reminded that I have never been alone. It is precisely when I have felt very much alone, I have sensed God whispering that I am NOT - that He was, is, and will be present. I remembered the times in which emails were sent at the exact time as some of my dark moments. Flowers were delivered when I really needed a "pick me up." A card was received when I needed a word of encouragement. Someone just stopped by, just because. We were surprised to be surrounding in prayer in our driveway. For each "alone" time that I experienced, God made sure that I was not - tenfold. All I need to remember is that wherever the road will take me, even though I may be by myself, I am never truly alone.

Have Come Full Circle!

I have enjoyed throughly the past three weeks. I have not written anything on this blog because it is nice to just enjoy the "every day" things without the cloud of the treatment for my cancer hanging over me. I have enjoyed doing housework. I have cared for sick kids. I have gone back to Coffee Break. We have celebrated our daughter's 5th birthday. We have hosted a party with seven of Sarah's kindergarten friends complete with pizza, cake, and a treasure hunt. I have enjoyed the "March Break Girls' Road Trip to Timmins" with the Gibson clan. It is nice to return to a "normal" busy life.

However, today is bittersweet. Yesterday marked the day in which I began this journey one year ago. On March 19, 2008 I walked into the family clinic for my doctor's appointment after having found a lump in my breast and fearing the worst. It was the day in which I had begun the numerous tests to determine what was later found to be cancer. It was the day in which I was trembling about what the future would hold. It was the day in which I could not and did not even imagine the depths of the emotional, physical, and spiritual journey I was about to embark upon.

Today this has been heavy on my heart. It is probably why yesterday and today I have been quite active - changing beds, doing seven loads of laundry, playing numerous games with the girls, groceries, sweeping the kitchen floor for the fourth time in one day, going though the summer clothes with the girls, vacuuming, and whatever else my hands could grasp to preoccupy my mind. If I kept busy enough the memories of the year are kept somewhat at bay. Just it was never far away.

While this does mark a year of my journey, I have taken some comfort in the knowledge that today is also marked as the beginning of spring. I love it that spring is officially here. Spring reminds me of new life and new beginnings. How fitting it is that this is the way in which I can also remember today. I have been given a new lease on life after the year that has passed. It is a new beginning in my life with/after cancer.

Shall We Dance?

Well it is the first full week that I am home in over a month and I am going to enjoy it to the fullest.

After supper while we were cleaning up the dishes, Nicole put in a WOW CD which we had not listened to in a long time. We were all drawn back to a "pre-cancer" moment. The girls recalled blasting the tunes in the van on our travels and remembered that they each had their own favourite number on the disk. Once the sink was emptied and the dishes put away it was time to dance. This used to be a nightly ritual.

If the neighbourhood could only see us "cutting the rug." Well, the truth be told, we never draw the front window blinds so they could see us if they looked. This Tamming clan may not have much rhythm but there was a joy that bounced in our steps that is unmatchable. It has been too long of a time in which we moved, danced, and sang as we enjoyed the music. There was a laughter that filled the corners of the room that has been gone for way too long. It brought smiles that beamed from ear to ear that have been missed dearly. I was overwhelmed by how much I missed this nightly performance. It was wonderful to move and grove with girls and Stephen. What a great way to begin this first full week! It is just great to dance!

Treatment Finished!

Well today is a great day! The best day that we have had in almost a year. It is on this day "February 25, 2009" that I can say that Cindy has finished her treatments. It is in many ways hard to believe that this day has finally arrived. I can still clearly remember sitting in the emergency room in Goderich and being told that my wife had breast cancer. And now after chemo, surgery and radiation she has completed her treatment. AMEN!

So with this chapter in life behind us we now begin another chapter in our journey together. I am not going to anticipate or speculate what the next part of this journey will entail, but whatever it is I know that we will experience it together. Together Cindy and I (and our children) will walk into the future holding hands knowing that we are not alone but that someone else is walking with us. God will walk with us. God will be holding our hands. Because of that we can enter the future with confidence, strength, comfort and joy. As I think about God going with us I am reminded of our wedding text: "in all your ways acknowledge him, and he will make your paths straight." God will guide us and he will lead us....he will be there for us....he will make our paths straight....

It is a good night! And on this good night I am looking forward to the next chapter in our journey together!

Stephen

Excitement!

I now have one more treatment of radiation to complete! On the home stretch for this part of the journey. I am sure that the rest of the household is excited to be home but I am not sure they are as excited as I am. I have in my hand the schedule which includes on it treatments til Friday. The lodge staff does not complete believe me that I have endured the full 25 treatments so they have called over to double check that I am finished. I am holding my breath a little, so that I am not surprised if the doctor should have me stay another week. I am counting on flying out of here tomorrow.

The tired effect of the treatments have finally caught me. It seems that I could sleep til 8:00 am, have a nap in the afternoon, and be back in bed by 8:30 pm. Although my body is becoming more and more exhausted, my mind just won't settle. I am having to learn that it is not good to "push through it", as I have a tendency to do.

So on Sunday, while Stephen came home to pick the kids up, I crawled back into bed for the rest of the morning. In the afternoon, I had to cry and smile BIG as I viewed our church service on the local TV station. It was at the congregational prayer where I am always moved to tears and this day was no exception. Once again, Stephen had to report on my progress and, as how it has been often, he was moved to having a hard time getting out the words. Over the past year, I have sat in the pew and thought that this part of the service during THIS year has to have put a lot of stress on him. How I have prayed for strength for him during these moments and wished with all my heart that he did not have to utter the words which he did. Well, this Sunday all he could say was "Only three more...... three is a very significant number in Bible.........." (there was a little more said after but that was powerful to me.

Here is why! There are 374 references to the number 3 and 67 references to three days. Here is just a few:
-Within three days Pharaoh will lift up your head and restore you to your position, and you will put Pharaoh's cup in his hand, just as you used to do when you were his cupbearer. Gen 40:13-
-We must take a three-day journey into the desert to offer sacrifices to the LORD our God, as he commands us." Exodus 8:27
-So Moses stretched out his hand toward the sky, and total darkness covered all Egypt for three days. Exodus 10:22
-So they set out from the mountain of the LORD and traveled for three days. The ark of the covenant of the LORD went before them during those three days to find them a place to rest. Numbers 10:33
-"Go through the camp and tell the people, 'Get your supplies ready. Three days from now you will cross the Jordan here to go in and take possession of the land the LORD your God is giving you for your own.' " Joshua 1:11
-"Go, gather together all the Jews who are in Susa, and fast for me. Do not eat or drink for three days, night or day. I and my maids will fast as you do. When this is done, I will go to the king, even though it is against the law. And if I perish, I perish." Esther 4:16
- But the LORD provided a great fish to swallow Jonah, and Jonah was inside the fish three days and three nights. Jonah 1:17

But the best reference to "three days" is this one:
(Jesus Predicts His Death) He then began to teach them that the Son of Man must suffer many things and be rejected by the elders, chief priests and teachers of the law, and that he must be killed and after three days rise again. Mark 8:31

As I was looking up these references I was struck by how there is anticipation for a three day event to end followed by God's victory. It is with my whole heart that I await these three days to pass. For I know that regardless of the outcome of this journey, my victory is in God's hands. How glorious it is!

Just One Handful Left

I had some trouble sleeping last night. I am not sure if it is due to the single bed I have to sleep in, the excitement of only one week left, or if my mind was swirling with thoughts about what life will be like after treatment is complete.

It is with mixed emotions that I can say that I have only 1 week left of radiation. Next Wednesday will mark the end of the planned treatments. Almost one whole year of my life has now been spent in a routine of doctor visits, treatment, and side effects. While been diagnosed with cancer is scary at times, it is now the step to returning to "normal" life that is unnerving me. It seems that this next step will come with its own adjustments I will need to make.

I have been asked several times "What do they do for followup? Do you have to be tested regularly?" This is the part that is haunting - there are no tests. While I will be regularly meeting with a doctor every three or six months, the only thing that is watched is whether I have experienced any symptoms. It is a little concerning that I will have to play the "wait and see" game once again. I have come full circle and am returning to this again. Last March I began with numerous mammograms, ultrasounds, bone scan, and blood work. Each time I needed to wait and see what the results would be. I remember how emotionally taxing that time was for Stephen and me and I pray that this time it will be less so. That I will be able to return to living with the cancer and its effects but not fearing the "what ifs."

I have come full circle in another sense as well. Here is how. If I have learned anything through this process is this theme - strength in God. Last night the verse that filled me was
"but those who hope in the Lord
will renew their strength.
They will soar on wings like eagles;
they will run and not grow weary,
they will walk and not be faint." Isaiah 40:31

Even in this verse is the promise that I had held onto during this process. It resounds the theme that was written on the silver bracelet I received one month before I found the lump. God truly does know what I stand in need. I continue to stand in awe of Him. This is what was engraved:

" The Lord is my strength and my song." Exodus 15:2

The rest of the verse is .... He has become my salvation. He is my God, and I will praise Him, my father's God, and I will exalt Him. If I have learned nothing through this whole year but this lesson I have learned much. It is He who has carried me through all the ups and downs and He will be my strength for whatever the future will hold for me. I will continue to praise Him.

Love and Marriage

What a wonderful weekend back home! And an extra day to the weekend even better to spend with the family. The weekend was a packed one and here is a little snippet of the goings on in the Tamming home.

Friday was a nice quiet night to beginning a great weekend. For girls our daughters ages, nothing beats snuggling up on the couch to watch High School Musical I and II. With Sarah a little under the weather and wanting to cuddle and Nicole and Meagan humming the tunes, I was delighted to kick back and relax. Stephen thought better and enjoyed some quieter, more masculine TV in another room.

Saturday was Valentine's Day. Although I think that Valentine's Day is extremely overrated, it is a good reminder to not forget about the ones you love. Part of our tradition is to make a valentine for each girl. It is an opportunity to tell each of our daughter that they are loved and what is especially lovely about them. Of course, being showered with chocolates and lots of hugs and kisses all around is a given part of the day. During the day we enjoyed watching the girls figureskate at the arena. Since the carnival is over, it is now time to return to learning some new techniques. I love to see how the girls are progressing each week and to hear about and watch them try to master new moves on the ice.

Sunday was great time to once again worship with our Trinity family. How good it is for the soul to sing songs of praise and listen to the word of God brought to life amidst people I have grown to love and appreciate more each passing day; to join together to praise the God that I love. In the evening we went to see "Fireproof." This film was a good reminder to fireproof the marriage. The most powerful part was when the main character realized what true love is - not the romantic love that Hollywood portrays but the love that our Father extends to each one of his creatures again and again. How great it is to be showered upon by Him. During this weekend in which love, marriage, and family is the focus, I was deeply reminded that God is LOVE. He has extended love to such undeserving individuals continuously just because. How awesome it is to be loved so greatly!

Monday was Family Day. While this day began as a relatively quiet day it was filled with a surprise along the way. Stephen had mentioned that he heard about the 104.9 Family Treasure Hunt. So at 9:00 am Meagan and I listened intently as the first item of seven was announced. Each hour an item was to be revealed and when all seven were collected you were to make your way to the station. At 3:00 just before the last item was announced, the girls were buckled in their van seats, the engine was started, and Stephen and I waited to hear the last item - an Olympic coin. It is a good thing that I collect things. It was a mad dash to the coin jar and quickly out to the awaiting get away vehicle. We had one stop and one light to get through and when it would be clear sailing to the finish. As we approached the light it turned green and we could see the finish. The excitement was building in the van. As we turned into the parking lot, a pickup was right on our tail. After Stephen parked the van, I passed off the bag of goodies to him. Lets face it, he is the quickest member of the team. I am proud to report that Team Tamming placed first in the hunt. We were awarded four family board games all of which were played to some extent that very night. I must admit that Stephen is not the only competitive person in the family. Each one of the female members eagerly encouraged the other members of the team during the race. What fun for family day!

Valentine's Day and Family Day gave way to experience some wonderful family moments. They were opportunities to demonstrate love and to be loved. I thank God for blessing me with four incredible beings who are part of the Tamming Team. How good it is to love and be loved!