Now I Can Breathe.....

This afternoon the id on the call displayed read "MVMC". The long version of this is Maitland Valley Medical Centre. This is the call that I have been waiting for. since last week's mammogram... somewhat eagerly and somewhat hesitantly. I took a deep breathe because I knew that our nurse, Lindsay, would be on the other end. The results of the test must have been read by my doctor and here was the news. All Lindsay said was that we needed to go could go out for ice cream to celebrate - it was good news! The mammogram was clear. I am now sporting a big smile once again and breathing a lot more easily.

"THE" Day

Let me begin by writing that I have written the following words in order that once they are out of my head, God will relief me and I can carry on today.

Today marks the day last year that Stephen and I sat in the corner room of the emergency department in Alexandar Marine and General Hospital awaiting the results of the fine needle biopsy. Up until then the mammogram and ultrasound had pointing me in the direction of further testing and now we awaited the results of the testing of actual tissue that had been removed. I sat on the side of the stretch bed while Stephen sat in the only chair in the room. Dr Anand walked in and sat down on the stool and laid my file on the end of the bed. I remember his first words were to the effect that he could not believe the results because he had thought that it would be different. It was "suspiciously malignant."

There are a few poignant moments over the past year and this was definitely one of them. I remember sitting there as if a wall had just immediately been built around me. I did not cry, as I so often easily do now. I just stared at Stephen. He had been a pillar of strength and optimism through the previous month and those two words crushed him. In the almost sixteen years that of our marriage I have never seen Stephen whipped and struck down as in that moment. That wall now separated us in a way that he would wrestle with the "what will I do, if...?" and I would wrestle with "this can't be the end of it. How is it going to work out from here, til...?" I was now separated from each family member because no member has received a cancer diagnosis.

I must say that up until that moment I loved living with the knowledge that I would die one day. But I was not happy to feel and know the true reality of that statement. I have had to wrestle with the knowledge that I am not sure if or when the cancer will return. I have had to learn to "live with cancer". Life truly is a daily gift. Over the past year, my Dad has been one person who is brutally honest in questioning and pointing out what I would be wrestling with, honest about how it would not be easy but that I needed to wrestle with it, and honest to let me know that he had to face much of the same questions when he had his heart attack almost 20 years ago.

While this morning I pray that today will be much different than last year. Today my mammogram will be read by the radiologist and I find myself waiting for these results. Today I have the questions still and only one answer to calm me - that God is present in whatever my day brings. I was not surprised when God once again placed this message for me to read. (This is from a box of daily messages from the students of the Clinton Christian and District School - a gift of words of encouragement received this March)

"In my distress I cried unto the Lord and He heard me.
In all of your troubels God is right there beside you
helping you the whole way!" - Hannah

I thank the Lord for the continuous simple reminders. I am thankful that although I felt like a wall was built around me that was far from the case. God was surrounding me in His arms and was never let me go.

the Big Squeeze yet Again

Today I had to undergone the dreaded annual mammogram. Although this is not my first, it is the first one since my diagnosis last year. It is funny to think about the saying that "time eases all things" by Sophocles. While a year has past, it does not take much to be brought back and overwhelmed by the resurgence of the feelings that you once experienced. While a whole year has expired, and at times it has felt like a lifetime has occurred, today it is was like yesterday.

After I offered up a prayer for strength and support, I talked myself into believing that "I could get through this one test". I walked into the mammogram department with as much confidence as I could muster very much aware of the nervousness that surged through my veins. I was determined to make it through the next test without reliving last year's events with tear-filled eyes. However that is exactly what occurred. While all I wanted to do was to have the excruciating squeezes done, I first needed to relay my past history and medicine journey since my last mammogram.

I now find myself in the precarious position of the "wait and see" game that I played last year at this time. I now find myself holding my breath a little bit waiting the results. I just hope and trust that God will grant me some comfort and strength to wait this one out.

Three Month Check Up!

It is hard to imagine but I am scheduled for my three month check up tomorrow. This is the three month marker from the first time in which I started the hormone therapy regiment -three months of Tamoxifen.
I have not written in a while mostly because this month is a relatively hard one for me. It is because this month marks the anniversary of the dates in which I was waiting results of mammograms, ultra sounds, and biopsies. It was tough last year and this year it is proving to be somewhat the same - except now I am continuing to learn how to live with my diagnosis.
This past weekend I could not turn on the TV without the reminder of the daffodil sales which were taking place in support of cancer research. For me it reminds me of this event from last year. I will not easily forget when Meagan bounced off the school bus proudly carrying two bright yellow flowers. She was so proud that she had brought something special home for her mom. Meagan loves the natural world and holding flowers is pure delight for this girl. As glad as she was to give me the bundle, I was inwardly shouting don't give those to me and wanted to throw them as far away as I could. She declared that she brought them home "just for me." What she was unaware of at the time was that I was waiting for the results of my mammogram. While I did not "feel right" about the lump that I had discovered I hoped that my gut instincts were so very wrong. The flowers were just a reminder of the dreaded news that I was hoping not to hear. This weekend was a reminder of one event so poignant. Now I will never look upon a daffodil without remembering that moment when she brought home the flowers "just for me" and how fitted that gesture really was.
Tomorrow Stephen and I will travel down to London to meet with my oncologist. I have not travelled back to London since I left on February 25, my last radiation treatment. I am hoping that tonight will be a restful night of sleep. Also, I am hoping that while I may worry about this visit it will not really amount to anything but a good visit - that all will be well til the next three months.

April's Fools Day

Today is a day fit for the prankster. I smile when I think about the fact that our girls are beginning to think about pulling pranks on someone just for fun.

Early this morning I heard some activity going on in the kitchen but just let it happen. It seemed innocent enough with the cupboard door opening which held the glasses and everyday dishes. I thought that Nicole was getting a glass of juice or making some toast to begin her breakfast. It is good to see how the girls are growing up and becoming more independent.

If only this was the case. Shortly after, Nicole lightly tapped Stephen on the shoulder to come into the kitchen to help her. I was grateful because that is not the usual way in which unfold in our home - it's my help that often is requested first thing. This should have been my second clue that something was up. Stephen got up, did something with her, and then promptly returned to catch a couple more moments of sleep. I asked what she was doing and the response was "nothing really". It was after that I heard in the kitchen a little exchange of whispers following by the words "Maybe not.... would you like it to be done to you." I smiled because I thought, mistakenly, that Nicole was bestowing some good advice to her sister.

Once I was up and breakfast was being eaten, I ventured to ask what was going on in the kitchen earlier. It was then that I learned the truth. The girls had woken up remembering that it was April 1 - April Fools Day. They planned to play a joke on me. (Gasp) I chuckled at the thought and wondered what they were planning. So I asked a little hesitant. I am not sure whose idea it was but the plan was to exchange the sugar with the salt. Quite clever! I laughed at that and told the girls why.....

When I was younger, in the Klein-Geltink household, this prank was done. Now I am not sure how I would have reacted had the prank been carried out but I remember the reaction that my Mom had. I also told the girls about the time in which Denise and Tammy filled the ice cube tray with vinegar and forgot about it. Mom once again reacted to this one. It is funny now to think about it - just grateful it was not me.

Although this year the day passed with no pranks played, I am looking forward to next year. They may actually will get the nerve to carry out the prank - even if you would not want it done to you. It can just be for fun. For now, I will be able to enjoy my coffee just sweetened a little bit more.