One Week Down!

I know that I have the rest of the week to finish up in London but I have now completed the first week of my radiation.

It was odd arriving back at the lodge after last week. There was a sort of comfort seeing some familiar faces. There is an apprehension that comes with wondering who the newcomers will be. There were 10 individuals who received their walking papers Friday. One individual I dubbed as the "social convener". Bonnie brought some excitement by organizing some exercise time in the morning or multiplying her quilted chickens through the afternoon. Another gentlemen, who I have forgotten his name, revealed his funny side. One day Bonnie painted a face on his belly and the two of them strolled into the cancer clinic nonchalantly. In his trench coast, he then processed to the registration desk and declared that he had something to show the "gals" before he left. I can only image what the people standing in line behind him thought when he flashed his belly to the receptionist. With these two people gone, the lodge is a little too calm.

At the clinic, there are always lodge residents waiting around for the next shuttle back. You have to watch yourself because word spreads like wild fire here. I was caught trying to quickly pass off my radiation slip with the promise to pick it up later as I hurried into my appointment because I was running a little late. Not only was I caught by the receptionist, the eyes of a dear soul, Janet, was ever so observant. (She is the one person who made sure that I got on the shuttle at the right time my first time.) Once back at the lodge, the story was told and now I have the residents guessing about me. I may be under a little pressure -- they think that there is a "wild, dark" side to me, that I may be the next one to liven this place up a little. They really do not have any clue.

My sister, Denise, came for a visit yesterday and what a thrill that was. I always enjoy the two hour phone chats but nothing beats five hours of face to face conversations. I had to laugh when she arrived in her scrubs. It looks as if she was ready for duty here. She had to admit that once she saw the premises, she felt like she was back at work. That day flew by way too fast.

I am thankful for these past few days. I had arrived with the hope that I could somewhat enjoy this stay. God has once again proved to me that all is going to be okay. I am able to get my "fix" from home via the cell phone. Although Stephen does not like the phone, I am glad that he humours me by listening to some of the ongoings of the life of the lodge. It is wonderful to hear how grown up Nicole is, as she chats about the day's events. It is heartwarming to talk with Meagan and hear her smiling, drawn out "hello". It is delightful to receive a "wet" kiss over the lines from Sarah. This first week has passed by rather quickly and I look forward the rest moving along as well.

Back At It!

Well I have arrived for the weekend at the lodge. This week I will experience it for a full week - Monday to Friday.

I was excited to be back home for the weekend to see Stephen and the girls. Boy, did I miss the continuous activity of a full house - my family. The playing with the "Barbies", the drone of the TV, the mess of papers because some picture was needing to be drawn, the busyness of Sunday morning, even the sisterly "spats". It was good to see how well Stephen held up the fort. I knew that he would do well. I am constantly amazed at how strong he has been through this past year, how loving and compassionate, and how considerate. I have grown to love this man more through this experience. After sixteen years of marriage, we have been through a lot and I am most proud to call him my husband.

As I was driving myself to the lodge today, I was thinking that I was going to make this a good week. I had left the lodge eager, and I mean EAGER, to get home. I must say that I was not looking forward to enduring the next 22 rounds of radiation in London. I was dreading returning to the confines of the lodge. I was dreading the slow passage of time. As I returned today, I am hopeful that this will be a good week. I am willing forward to whatever new opportunities and experiences I am blessed with. I can't wait for whatever surprises God sends my way - I hope they are good ones.

Cindy is Home

Well Cindy is home for the weekend and it was sure good to see her. The girls and I went to the lodge to pick her up yesterday. Cindy was anxious to leave, because as I was driving up to the lodge my phone rang. It was Cindy wondering what time we would be there because she just wanted to leave. I laughed and said look outside.

Cindy gave the girls a tour of the lodge and they thought that it was a pretty cool place. Not sure Cindy feels the same way.

After leaving the lodge we went to "Old Navy" and bought the girls some new clothes. Then we decided to go out for dinner at "Swiss Chalet". While at Swiss Chalet we bumped into my Uncle Jim and Aunt Barb. It was good to see them and have a short chat. After dinner we drove home. The drive home was interesting since we hit one of those famous Lake Huron Snow Squalls. The snow, the wind blowing and even a few cars in the ditch made it a exciting drive.

Well like I said it is good to have Cindy home. We are looking forward to the next few days.

Just a few note of thanks:

To Kim who so graciously cleaned our house. It sure did help us out.

To Lisa who picked up Meagan on Wednesday when she was sick. Your motherly touch and love really is what Meagan needed.

To the three Lewis girls who baked a wonderful cake for Cindy. It was wonderfully decorated with white and pink. Your smiles and well wishes warm our hearts. Also to Joelle who has been there for us whenever we needed. We are so blessed to have such wonderful friends and neighbours.

To Wilma who helped me out on Thursday when Sarah came to work. You are such a blessing to me and to my family.

Well time to sign off cause figure skating time has almost arrived.

Stephen

It was good to come home and see that all looked wonderful.

As I was unloading my suitcase for the next couple of days, I could not help but be brought to tears. Stephen had managed well. When I called in the mornings, he was gently guiding the girls through the morning routine. He managed the morning school routine relatively smoothly, even though he really is not a morning person. He had surprised the girls with a visit to Claire's and bought them some special treats there. The evening time seemed to roll along peacefully. He knows what is good for the girls by bringing them to London to see the lodge for themselves so their imaginations do not get the better of them. He juggled the demands of his job while holding up the home front all on his own. His compassion for the members of Trinity was evident as he was telling me how he managed his work schedule too. He was an encouraging voice to hear on the cell at anytime. He definitely provides much of the strength and love that holds this family together.

I don't know every thing that he had to deal these past few days but I know that each of his actions are done out of pure love for our family. He has taken this additional work of balancing work and home life on his own this week only because he knows how much the girls need it. While it is hard as adults at times to deal with how this disease disrupts our family life, Stephen has given up much in order to make it easier.

From the Homefront

With Cindy staying at the "resort" in London I have been home with the girls. I have to admit that trying to juggle work and parenthood all at the same time has been somewhat straining.
Yesterday Sarah was home from school and so she came to work at the office with me. I am sure glad that we have a video projector in the sanctuary. I put a movie on for her and it was just like a movie theater. I was even smart enough to bring along popcorn. Once the movie was over Sarah helped out in the office. Wilma, the church's ministry coordinator was in for the day and Sarah spent some time helping with the bulletin. This week the bulletins middle insert was put in by Sarah. Way to go Sarah!

Last night the girls played outside until supper. After supper they took showers, did devotions and went to bed. At around 9 pm Meagan came to the living room and said she couldn't sleep. I think she was missing her Mom. So for the next half hour she just sat on my lap and cuddled. Once I put her back in bed she was asleep in minutes.

The girls truly missed their Mom(I also miss her). They will often tell me how much they miss her. Thanks to the cell phone family plan the girls can call Cindy anytime they want. When they call they just smile and have that wonderful loving glow in their eyes. Their Mom means the world to them and me.

We truly miss you honey. I know the next month will be hard, but thankfully we have our parents to help us. We love you.....

See you soon
Love Stephen

Over the Intercom

I have found myself in a sort of wonderful place in some ways but quite unusual as well. All announcements are via the intercom. And at times it is like a "Jerry Seinfeld" moment when you can't understand a thing that is being relayed.
I woke up this morning to the announcement that breakfast is now being served. I thought that I could sleep in but no way - 7:30 am was not my idea of a wake up call time. My "puzzling" hour was later interrupted by the same voice bellowing from the wall to let the residents know that lunch was ready. It is funny to watch the people quickly rise out of their seats or emerge from their rooms only to fall into line to wait to be served by the kitchen staff. If you don't arrive shortly after the announcement there will be one of the women counting to see if there are enough seats for the people in line. At supper, I have to admit that I have already fallen into the routine. I have become one of "them."
There is always plenty of food at meal times. The servers, not so gentle at times, slop the gourmet dinner upon your plate. Seasoning of the food is up to you because not much is used during the cooking process because of the varyious diets of the residents. Each time I line up, am served, and sit to devour the food provided I have some flashbacks to dinners at the Commons. This is the cafeteria at Calvin College that Stephen and I had the pleasure of working at for $3.25/hour during our seminary days. Oh, sorry, Stephen was making $5.25. The manner in which the ladies ask what you desired to eat for the meal and how they present the food on the plate does not seem to differ from one cafeteria to another. I even think that they share the same menu plan. Tuna casserole for lunch. Pork chops baked in gravy with mashed potatoes for dinner. Vegetables are cooked, well, lets put it this way, they are recognizable until you try to pick them up with your fork. They are so "tender" they are almost fall apart when picked up. I am sure looking forward to some good food at home - I may not be the best cook but at the very least I enjoy it and miss it.
Got to go.... the intercom is announcing this evening's entertainment and the residents are on the move.

One down and now only 24 treatments to go.
Well as some may be aware I checked into the lodge yesterday. I have apparently the coldest room in the lodge. A couple had requested that they be moved from this room into another because it is tremendously cold. I actually like the temperature - especially since the hot flashes warm me so at night.
It is a little comforting to hear almost every resident (sounds like a home of some sort - which I will have to make it so during the next five weeks) wished anxiously for their first week to end. Now that they have settled into the routine of the day it is not too bad.

I have to walk around with a name tag so that they know I belong here. Not sure why someone would pick this place as a hangout though. On the name tag the staff stamps a smiley face each week marking the countdown. Is the face to cheer you up the first few days and then an expression of the gladness of the treatments ending near the end? Time will only tell on this one.

Yesterday I was only here for about 1 hour and I was being paged on the intercom. I wondered why I was being beckoned to report to the front desk. Down I walked only to be greeted with a refreshing smile from the gentle soul of my good chemo buddy - Glynis. It was great to compare just how much hair we each had. I must admit that I was a little jealous to see that Glynis is not as gray as me. Oh well, at the very least we both are sprouting.

Last night to pass the time, I was asked to join in bingo. Yes, bingo night is Wednesday! Later, I played one of my least favourite card games - euchre. This is my least favourite only because I am not sure what to do - to order up, play own, and risk being euchred! The games may not be that exciting but at least company is good.

On facebook Kim wrote that she "hoped it is okay." I had written back that it was okay and I am only hoping that it will only get better.

Til I write again about the goings on at the "resort"

Explosive!! in a good way

Tonight was just pure fun.
(If I figure out how to download a video clip I will try to add it in the next few days or at least I may have to have Stephen do it for me. No promises though)

Nicole and a friend from school are working on a science project. While working with them to come up with a topic or subject, all that these two girls wanted was that the experiment involved something that was going to pop. Stephen had searched for suggestions that might fit their criteria. You may have guessed the suggestion - homemade rockets. Yes, mix some household liquids with baking soda and up soars the film canister.

On Saturday, to do a quick test, Stephen took a canister into the bath tub. Nicole, Savannah, Meagan, Sarah and I joined to see what a little baking soda and vinegar could do. Stephen hardly had the lid snapped on and off it popped. I had to laugh when all the girls jumped and squealed. Everyone in the bathroom ducked and I mean everyone jumped. It was even more funny later when Savannah let her mom know what they were planning to do. This was her description "You make rockets. It is really fun and scary too. It even scared Mr Tamming."

Tonight, the bigger tests were done in a safer place - a gym. A larger area for the rockets to soar and less mess in the house. It was exciting to see the canister soar. It wass exciting to wait the expected but unknown time of the "pop." It was nerve racking to wait and wonder if the mixture is really a "dud" or not. Oh how wonderful it is to mix just a couple of common items and create such a wonderful explosion and squeal with delight each and every time.

New week New Anxiety!

It is a new week and once again the anxiety is stirring in my head. I feel bad for Stephen and the girls because once again they will have to endure my impatience and worry about this new experience. As much as I try to overcome it, anxiety wins every time hands down. If you know me well, you know how worked up I can get prior to a new experience. I wholeheartedly wish that I could look forward with excitement to new experiences but instead I am often filled with anxiety about the unknown. One can be pleasantly surprised by what does lay ahead and things do not always happen the way that one expects - regardless of thinking that you covered and thought about all the angles. I have experienced this several times this past year but I still have not learned the lesson.

Yes, this week I have to look forward to the next phrase of treatment - radiation. Starting Wednesday I am scheduled to begin the 25 consecutive treatments with a possible boost needed at the end. Since I have to be in London each day I have opted to stay there. The Huron County weather is too unpredictable and I don't want to miss treatments once they begin. Radiation, I have been told, can make you quite tired and adding a three hour daily drive probably would not help. So I have been booked to stay at the lodge which is connected with the cancer center. I am not sure what to expect other than my treatments are about 1/2 hour of day. I have my own thoughts about what this will be but I am hoping that this experience will bring some delightful moments. Maybe I will be surprised at how great this experience could be aside from my worries about it.

I have been told that the lodge and its staff are wonderful. My apprehension lies in the sleeping accommodations and the guests and the length of time away from home. The fact that I may have to share a room with a stranger does not completely thrill me. I feel bad for the poor individual who may desire to have a restful night but will be subject to my snoring. My second concern is about the demographic of the guests. I am a little concerned that once again I will be in a situation where there will be there very few my age going through the same experience. During my visits to the cancer center, I saw very few women under the age of 50. I think that this will be the case at the lodge. I voiced this to the radiation technologist and he confirmed that this will mostly likely be the case. While I have attended our Coffee Break, I have much enjoyed listening and relishing in the conversation with more experienced women, I am trusting that I will experience this at the lodge too. Being away from home is something that I have never done for longer than a couple of days at a time. It is difficult for me to think about what to do with all the time that I will have to myself. I have been so used to doing the things around the house that I have forgotten how to do things outside of it. I know that Stephen and the girls will do well while I am gone. May be this will be another good unexpected experience.

For the next couple of days I will have to wait patiently, hopefully with a little less anxiety, to see what this next step will bring.

Why I Have Been So Quiet

It has been over a week since I have had the desire to write on the blog. The following is just a little glimpse into the struggles that the past weeks and part of the reason for my delay in writing.

I must say that I thought I knew how hard the holidays can be for those who had experienced some traumatic times in the previous year. I thought I could empathize with those who had experienced a loss but now I realize I had no idea of the depths of those feelings during Christmastime. As individuals wish each other a "Merry Christmas and a Happy New Year", it did not always feel so merry or happy. When wishes of health and strength were exchanged, I was left wonder will my health ever totally be restored. As I hung up the new calendar, I wanted to forget the stressful events of the past year and looked with much apprehension of what the next year will bring. It is amazing how just one brief year or moments during it can change one's life so dramatically.

During the first church service of this year, Stephen made this simple statement "You just never know what the next year will bring." which took my breath away and brought me to tears. (Although the tears just seem to flow a little too easily and too often.) If he had said this last year, I would not in my wildest dream have imagined these dramatic changes for me - the label "someone living with cancer", constant doctor and hospital visits, numerous tests, a totally new physically appearance, and a different perspective on all comments and daily life activities. It has been my greatest mental, emotional, spiritual and physically "roller coaster ride" ever. I am hoping that last year's ride slows down this year. Or that at least the more stressful parts subside but the wonderful exhilarating parts continue.

I met with my oncologist and radiologist this past Thursday. I am now entering into the "other side." Since the surgery is complete, the cancer has been removed. Now I am onto the preventive treatments - hormone medicines and radiation. This is a scary stage - since the doctors can never say with 100% certainty that the cancer will not return. When asked what I wish to achieve through this treatment process this was my one wish which I knew could never be said. But at the very least a girl can wish. From now on, I will need to learn to live with the mark of cancer and pray that it never returns to rear its ugly head again.

This new year is a fresh beginning to learn to live with last year's experiences. A new year to live with a new perspective - a love of the live I am given and to never take it for granted because you just don't know what the next year will bring.

Happy New Year!

Well the new year has begun!!!! A fresh new year.

We had the opportunity to spend some time with Stephen's family this past week. Unfortunately, Glenda, Bruce, Stephanie, and Seth were not able to make it. It is sometimes tough to be everywhere when families live in opposite directions. We hope that they enjoyed their Christmas as they celebrated with the Tebbens. Some time with the Tammings was much anticipated. Stephen packed the van full with all the stuff - and it was much fuller when we returned home.

Stephen was excited to bring along his table hockey game and the Wii console. It was great to hear the excitement at the kitchen table as the hockey tournament progressed. It was like Stephen and Kevin were young guys again. Nicole, Meagan, and Sarah loved to have time with their "other" cousins. Once the Mii characters were set up and the bowling games began. It was fun to watch how "into" the game everyone was. It was like being in an actual bowling alley when Johan and Anita were tossing the ball down the lane. You had to watch where you sat in order to avoid the setup, swing and release of the virtual ball. Sarah surprised most by how well a four year old can master the bowling game.

Last night we had a quiet evening with just the five of us. We curled up on the couch or laid down on the floor as we watched a movie and later saw the ball drop. After all the excitement of the last week it was a great to have a quieter way to spend some time together.

This past year has been quite, well how should I put it........unexpected. It has been by far the hardest in our married and family life. We have had to fight and continue to fight the battle with cancer and all its miserable side effects - physically, emotionally, mentally and spiritually. Each one of us in our own ways and with each other. Each one of us growing through it and shaped by it. We have had to make choices in our activities have brought blessings and criticisms for our actions. As we reflected on this past year, the difficult times were showered with unexpected blessings.

Here are a few of the blessings that we have experienced this past year. I probably will not list each one because God just showers us so much I often tend to forget.
-the continuous prayers lifted up when I was too weak to utter a word
-the flowers that arrived when I needed a reminder of the beautiful life God gives us each day
-the pieces of jewelry that sparkle like only good things do helping us look good and feel better
-the meals that arrived when I was worrying about what to make for supper
-the family photos done by Sandra Reiger when I needed smiles to be captured forever
-the surprise 40th party for Stephen when I needed a moment to celebrate a wonderful man
-the camping and cottage vacations when I need some rest and relaxation
-my parents' 40th anniversary parties when I needed a reminder that God is present through all the times listed in a wedding vow
-the new school friends when I wondered how my children are settling in
-the encouragement from other cancer victims when I feared the worst of this disease
-the help from family when I was unable to do it myself
-the joy of the girls when I needed to see and feel joy
-and lastly but just as importantly, the love of a husband who has see, felt, and heard everything from his wife when I really did not warrant it.

All these and many more were given not because I deserved them but just because God and others loves me so much.

Looking forward to new blessed year!