"THE" Day

Let me begin by writing that I have written the following words in order that once they are out of my head, God will relief me and I can carry on today.

Today marks the day last year that Stephen and I sat in the corner room of the emergency department in Alexandar Marine and General Hospital awaiting the results of the fine needle biopsy. Up until then the mammogram and ultrasound had pointing me in the direction of further testing and now we awaited the results of the testing of actual tissue that had been removed. I sat on the side of the stretch bed while Stephen sat in the only chair in the room. Dr Anand walked in and sat down on the stool and laid my file on the end of the bed. I remember his first words were to the effect that he could not believe the results because he had thought that it would be different. It was "suspiciously malignant."

There are a few poignant moments over the past year and this was definitely one of them. I remember sitting there as if a wall had just immediately been built around me. I did not cry, as I so often easily do now. I just stared at Stephen. He had been a pillar of strength and optimism through the previous month and those two words crushed him. In the almost sixteen years that of our marriage I have never seen Stephen whipped and struck down as in that moment. That wall now separated us in a way that he would wrestle with the "what will I do, if...?" and I would wrestle with "this can't be the end of it. How is it going to work out from here, til...?" I was now separated from each family member because no member has received a cancer diagnosis.

I must say that up until that moment I loved living with the knowledge that I would die one day. But I was not happy to feel and know the true reality of that statement. I have had to wrestle with the knowledge that I am not sure if or when the cancer will return. I have had to learn to "live with cancer". Life truly is a daily gift. Over the past year, my Dad has been one person who is brutally honest in questioning and pointing out what I would be wrestling with, honest about how it would not be easy but that I needed to wrestle with it, and honest to let me know that he had to face much of the same questions when he had his heart attack almost 20 years ago.

While this morning I pray that today will be much different than last year. Today my mammogram will be read by the radiologist and I find myself waiting for these results. Today I have the questions still and only one answer to calm me - that God is present in whatever my day brings. I was not surprised when God once again placed this message for me to read. (This is from a box of daily messages from the students of the Clinton Christian and District School - a gift of words of encouragement received this March)

"In my distress I cried unto the Lord and He heard me.
In all of your troubels God is right there beside you
helping you the whole way!" - Hannah

I thank the Lord for the continuous simple reminders. I am thankful that although I felt like a wall was built around me that was far from the case. God was surrounding me in His arms and was never let me go.