One Month Gone

Today it has been one full month since my last treatment. It was a quiet day since all of the girls are at school and Stephen was busy at work. A good time to reflect.

It is hard in some ways to look back over what has transpired during the course of the past year as I am now returning to somewhat of a "normal life." I write that statement with hesitation because while things are slowing returning to a way it used to be, I don't feel like the way I used to be. While my surroundings and the regular home "stuff" that needs to looked after remains the same, I don't feel and think the same way.

Maybe that is why I will include this entry that I was going to write when I came home then but for some reason I have delayed writing it. For some reason this image has not left my mind. Maybe writing it down will allow me to let it go......

As I was returning home from London I took the country roads. It was one of the most peaceful rides that I have had since I have begun traveling to the clinic. There was peace that this was the last return trip of my treatment schedule - from now on three month checkups are schedule. Peace that God has used these treatments as healing for my body. There was peace because I was the only one in the vehicle and I was not talking out loud to myself. I had even decided to turn off the radio because I would soon be home and it would be filled with the busyness of our Tamming clan.

At that moment I was driving down a very long straight stretch and not a soul was to be seen; not a vehicle on the road nor a person within viewing distance. It was only me and the road. I was struck by how it reflected how I have felt at times during the past year - the number of times that I have traveled this journey "alone". I have had a number of ladies let me know that they have had the diagnosis of breast cancer but there has not been one who is under the age of 40 and with a young family. There were the moments when I felt I was the only one whose life stopped because now I needed to learn how to live with the cancer diagnosis. I was the one who had to wrestle with my own mortality. At times, I endured the pain of the side effects while Stephen could only wish that they would subside. I was the only one learning to live with the permanent scars of this disease. There were the times late at night while Stephen and the girls peacefully slept and I was lying awake wondering "what is the purpose of all of it, Lord?"

I was now headed home and where was I going from here. But it was almost as soon as that loneliness hit me I was quickly reminded that I have never been alone. It is precisely when I have felt very much alone, I have sensed God whispering that I am NOT - that He was, is, and will be present. I remembered the times in which emails were sent at the exact time as some of my dark moments. Flowers were delivered when I really needed a "pick me up." A card was received when I needed a word of encouragement. Someone just stopped by, just because. We were surprised to be surrounding in prayer in our driveway. For each "alone" time that I experienced, God made sure that I was not - tenfold. All I need to remember is that wherever the road will take me, even though I may be by myself, I am never truly alone.